I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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