I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
