Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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