I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
