I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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