he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
