I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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