It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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