you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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