accomplished twins. life is a go
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
