george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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