Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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