i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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