I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
