What a fucking waste of an outfit
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
