She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
