yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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