I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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