I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
we're so committed to being not committed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
