At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
