Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
sex in a hospital.. check
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
