It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
