you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
