he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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