i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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