soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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