my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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