U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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