he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
