Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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