Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
