he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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