i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
