Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
