she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
