I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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