somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
