what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
