Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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