I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
