You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
