Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
