i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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