So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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