I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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