he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
my liver is dry heaving
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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