I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
