shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
