I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
