Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
